I had thought I had blogged a couple of days ago, but maybe it disappeared. Oh well, I will catch up here.

I do finally feel better and had actually started feeling better Wednesday evening, so I went to our home group to be with some friends and enjoy some worship and studying Dan Lemberg’s new book “Free From the Power of Sin“. He is definitely a very good writer, and I do recommend it. It was a good discussion in the group with great interaction from most everyone.

Today was my 5th chemo day which always starts with the doctor first to go over any questions I have and the lab work or results on other diagnostic tests. I took my question list in because if I don’t have it written down, I forget and never ask the questions. He said my labs were good, and my white count did go down, but was in the normal range which of course is good.

Then I went to my chemo and I had told my friend that took me today, Nancy, that it a new drug and because it is one this time rather than two, it might not last as long. I don’t know what I was thinking. It ended up being the longest day of chemo. They had to go slow and gradually increase it several times to make sure that I didn’t have a reaction like tightness in my chest and other fun allergic reactions that are enough to kill someone. Just kidding. But tightness in chest is one of the things they do look for and flushing of the face and many other reactions that could be dangerous. They give you so many medications to prevent that, that it doesn’t happen as often as it used to. They just have to be cautious because they are infusing poison into my body. Lovely thought. I was there from 11:30 am to 5 pm. It made for a very long day indeed.

While the nurse was starting my infusions, I told her I had totally forgot to find out my results with the Physician’s Assistant about my ultrasound I had last Friday to see the progress of the tumors halfway into my chemotherapy. My doctor was out of town, so the Physician’s Assistant was there to cover for her appointments. My nurse said she would check into that.

So towards the end of the day, the P.A. came out to where I was sitting in the treatment room and gave me a copy of my results. He said the the larger tumor actually grew 2 millimeters, and the smaller one got smaller by 2 millimeters. He hadn’t known that the report was there, and my chemo brain forgot to remind him. We were a great team I guess. Anyway, I asked him if he thought that Dr. Villa would be giving me more of the drugs I started with, and he said I was done. Actually if it didn’t work effectively, it would not be wise to just keep using it would it? I was just afraid of having to take more of it and feeling so ill again. He said when she returns on Tuesday, he would talk to her, and he said perhaps I might need to take the new drug I am on 6 cycles instead of 4 as planned, or she may even introduce another drug as well. They will discuss that, and I am guessing that she will get back to me that evening or the next day.

I looked at my results again and said out loud, “this is a bad report”. At the bottom of the report, the radiologist stated, “Comments: At least by ultrasound evaluation, there is no evidence of response to therapy.” The radiologist did recommend to the physician to consider MRI evaluation. I am not sure that will be helpful, but maybe this new drug will make it shrink. Maybe it is one of those delayed reactions, and it will start to shrink. Wishful thinking perhaps?  [Can we get a refund on these very expensive chemo drugs which didn’t work? -Pete]

I have so much prayer covering that you would think it would do something, so I am going to say, it is in God’s hands, and I don’t have a sense that I am going to see my demise. I think it is a season that I am having to learn to trust God at an even deeper level, and I do feel his presence with me even in the throws of a bad report.

Pete met me at the cancer center and we left to get a quick bite at a deli and then went straight to the Hearst Cancer Resource Center for our first meetings with separate support groups. There is one for cancer patients at different stages of our different treatments and different cancers (men and women) and the other one was with for care givers. Both had licensed psychologists volunteering their time to facilitate the groups. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I found it to be exactly where I needed to be. At first I didn’t think I needed a group like this because I have a wonderful support through my church, friends, family, and even my neighbors. But what I discovered was that there are things you can discuss there that you don’t discuss with others. Another great resource.

This is an odd season to be in and I can’t believe the change of direction our lives have taken. I have decided that our lives are not our own, and we truly need to cleave to God to be able to handle what life throws at us. He does make bad circumstances to work for the good; we just need to look to him to see how that plays out.

Romans 8:28 Or that all things work together for good to those who love God, who; or that in all things God works together with those who love him to bring about what is good…